I have often heard fathers speak about—or at least try to articulate—the experience of seeing their child’s face for the first time. Some shake their heads in gratitude, while some look down to hide their tears, but almost all will say, in effect, that they never thought they could love anyone so much. As a priest, I often wondered, as I heard these men, what that must be like, and, more frequently, if I would ever experience anything like it myself.
***
Elena approaches me as I meander the halls of the old school at the parish during a catechism session. She is smiling from ear to ear and looks me in the eyes, then down at her belly, on which she places both of her hands. She looks up. “Father, I cannot believe this blessing. I never thought I would be able to have another child, especially at my age. What a gift! What a gift! Father, please pray for me and for my baby.” I rejoice with her and say a prayer of gratitude to the Father of all life, and ask for his protection.
The next time I see Elena, she asks if I have a minute to talk. We sit down in my office. “Father, they did some ultrasounds the other day. They say my baby is deformed. It is a complicated pregnancy.” I can see the pain in her face. She looks down and finds some resolve, then raises her eyes to me again. “Father, all of the doctors are urging me to abort. But I will not, Father! I would never!! I trust in God. If he allows this, I trust in him. I do. But I would like you to pray for me and for the baby. Can you, please?”
I put on a stole, then grab a book from the shelf.
I extend my hand over her. “O God…receive the sacrifice of the contrite heart and ardent desire of your servant, Elena, who humbly asks you for the welfare of the child which you gave to her to conceive. May the hand of your mercy assist her delivery and may her child come to the light of day without harm and be kept safe for the holy birth of baptism….”
After the prayer, I help her up from her kneeling position and admire her faith. My heart wrenches. “I am here in whatever way you may need me.”
***
A knock on the rectory door startles me as I sit down to eat. Feeling worn out after a long day, I open the door with hesitancy. Much to my surprise, and joy, it is Elena! I had not seen her for months.
“Father, tomorrow I go to the hospital for delivery. Can we pray again?” Despite my objections to her kneeling, she lowers herself to the concrete floor, and I bow my head to pray. In my own heart, I beg the Lord that she may be guarded from any despair in whatever may come, and I ask for more faith. Outwardly, I show confidence. “I trust everything will go well. I cannot wait to see your new daughter.”
***
On a Sunday morning a few weeks later, a baby carriage with a protective covering catches my attention as I process out of church after Mass. I see Elena standing next to it, though I cannot catch the expression on her face. My heart sloshes with anxiety and anticipation, worry and hope. I stop and tap Elena on the shoulder. She turns, beaming. She throws her arms around my neck. “Oh, Father, God is mighty! My dear baby was born, totally healthy! The doctors do not understand, but I do! It is God! It is God! Thank you, thank you! Look…”
She lifts the flap on the covering. My soul is torn from top to bottom.
I say nothing, I cannot say anything. I think I am shaking my head as my heart exclaims: You are my daughter, you are my child.
Might this be that experience of a father on seeing his child for the first time? I do not know, and I do not wish to compare. All I do know is that I have never loved anyone like this. How could it be?
***
The water ripples in the font as I dip the shell beneath the surface.
The heavens are opened, the Father’s voice echoes within, and I understand: This is my beloved, in whom I am well pleased.
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